This is where it started
I am dead. I have died. I have drowned in a pool of electric blue, looking up at the hole of light and I reach for it, lungs dying, hoping praying cringing reaching, and missing, still underwater, unable to breathe choking taking in water one more breath no air, blissfully not shaking anymore at peace, in silence, black hair floating, face down, not moving anymore staring at the dark
We are made up of silences you and i
The silence when we first saw each other across the only phone in the building, I blinded in spiritual shock, knowing, knowing, the blinding light, the uncertainty, the lying, the childishness. I loved you then, more than possible, you burnt like an afterimage into my soul, making me search for you in loneliness forever after. I am a one man woman. I cannot find you in anyone else. I have looked.
And now here we are, in our happily ever after. The fights in the dripping ceiling, the angels crying at our stupidity, me packing, ready to do, ready to die and return to the ashes, shopping, shopping, shopping, one thousand not enough, not two, not four, not ten, not fifteen to finish the loneliness in one blow, to get the courage to rip out my heart and leave it behind and go to the nurturing perfect place that I know will heal me
And then the crazy psychotic man following me to our house, me not being able to find my phone, groping in my bag, mentally terrified, wondering if my doors are locked as he speaks to me through the window with his crazy vacant rapist empty eyes telling me to get out of the car, and you answering after two bells, coming, coming, running, hitting, beating, nearly killing
I still hated you for killing me. How could I ignore your bashed knuckles, your shame and horror at your mindless rage and stupidity and base blind hatred. How could I not heal you, how could I not hold you to my soul and make you whole again as you wept, in fear and horror and self hatred and gratitude that I was ok
How we love each other you and i? how can we break and make each other and break again, and leave and threaten to not come back and know what no matter what happens, we will never ever be able to leave a room alone ever again