dream

my belly is full, comfortable heat thrumming from my insides

i'm walking through the field

the green is taller than i am

i look down and i have holes in me

boils in my flesh, from nails that were hammered in

but even though the scabs ooze pus, i am humming humming humming

i touch a flower here, a vine there

if i crane my neck high enough, there is a sky, and a cheel wheeling overhead

the nails are gone, and i have torn myself free, clawed out of the dirt and into the green green green

and i have a skip in my step

because i know my baby plays only a little ahead and i will see him soon

dream

i am standing on an abyss.
the edges crumble
its dark out tonight
the supermoon looms overhead
a wolf howls

i know its a dream then. how else would there be wolves?

it changes to a dog snarling.

suddenly there is beach sand under my toes
waves
and the beautiful sunset that only karachi has

and i know it is a dream because i only dream of karachi now

my wrists are cut
blood drips down my hands onto my feet, into the sand
the waves wash it all away and i breathe deeply and i swear i can smell it like its real

i wake up still hearing waves

dream

the breeze. the eternal breeze. she closes her eyes, and knows its a dream because of the breeze.

there is no wind here.

she is in a garden. suddenly it is still.

she hears a koel.

there is a tree. an old one. all kinds of plants overgrown. a vine, dripping down over everything. ivy on the brick walls. somewhere behind her back, the old house is there. the one with the doors within doors within doors. the one with the bay windows she's spent her youth sitting on. its been empty a long long time through, ghosts of servants past waiting for the mistress to return home. is she the new owner?

there is a blast.

she must hurry.

they're coming.

ramblings

i am a superhero.

i wear shiny boots, have shiny hair, shiny belt, shiny eyes, shiny underpants
i have perky boobs, perky nose, perky bum, perky everything

i am soft
i am saggy
i don't own clothes that don't have poo, vomit or pee
i am a mommy

i can hold my pee for hours while i rock the baby

i can sleep only three hours and still be functional

i have slept only three hours for over a year now and am still functional

i can carry a baby, three times my bodyweight, and a carry cot, and still lock the house, open the car, and safely install everyone and everything in its place

i can work a job, and take care of the house, and not have any help

i can hold onto a spar that is myself, usually at ungodly hours in the night, and sigh and think

damn

i am a superhero

27:19

in my mind, it plays like this:

its dark. things hiding in the air.

am empty puppet with a little shiny triangle in his hand.

looks up from the fly in his net.

sees our little family, happy in our little pool of light.

comes shrieking towards us with beserk rage, hungry, clawing

i scream

clutch my baby closer. cower under the flimsy flimsy door. praying he will miss us.

a blast of light.

was it something i did right?

was it the prayers? mine or my mothers?

was it the sadqa lying in a little box to be given away?

was it my thought - give it to that little boy zeeshan. when zeeshan said, i'll give it later, i thought - let the onus be on you then sir. go with God.

was it just Allah having mercy.

it was just that - a flip of a coin. a shot fired. a shot unfired. something stopped him that second. wasn't his humanity. wasn't his fear. wasn't his uncertainity. wasn't our tinted windows. wasn't zeeshan's army jacket. wasn't a glimpse of a baby. wasn't my scream. something. that can only be. God.

thank you.

ashkura.