as you grow older your knowledge becomes inversely proportional to your assurity that you know everything

nothing, i mean nothing is as bad as this. except maybe for the stuff that led to it.

her pony tail jauntily swung in time to her step. in the awful sweltering heat she was an oasis of cool pink and white, sun blocked and lip glossed, shading eyes behind yummily gaudy Dior. Every single man turned and gaped as the vision passed, and, more discreetly, so did the women.

bravely, she sat outside in the wall of humidity that was May heat. under one tiny umbrella for shelter.

alone. finally. and greatful for it.

bastard.

to picture # 9

it was all still so new and shiny.
i picked out my new and shiny blue jewelled outfit and wore the giant diamond thing from the shaadi.
we made it to the car  only half an hour late, you mellowing your annoyance at tardiness with a glass of scotch (ew)

we noticed in the car that your tie matched my outfit (revoltingly honeymoonish coincidence)

we went together. no anxiety of being stranded alone without a table, no making desperate chit chat with wondering strangers.

gelling instantly with a table of friends. the best friend and beautiful makeup and outfit a cherry on the evening. T next to us pointed it and said smile, and we both scrunched together - me giggling like a loon and you - my god - you. smouldering semi smiling, hesitant yet so sure. 

of the hole in my heart.

bastard.

we can be

drifting swirling twirling whirling
like a small stick in a little brook (forests and pebbles and enid B)
running water
flushed down the toilet of life

or rise up
like a turd floating against intuition
and fight

only then can we change destiny

where do i start? where do i begin?
fully sated. clothes hanging in neatly ironed soldier rows in the cupboard. considerate servants, healthy atmosphere of positive well being. four options for each gourment meal, glass walls overlooking breathtaking vistas, pressure pump showers, beautiful 1000 sq yr gardens and fairy benches to sit on in cool grass when the electricity goes. beautiful.
being loved unconditionally.
having people you trust catch you in the safety net of their well wishes.
being cocooned in the womb.
suffocating in the pain and hurt caused to all.

sunday morning i'm waking up / can't even focus on a coffee cup
having time to read all you want. having time to keep up with your friends.
having time to watch all those backlogged movies.
reading, writing, exploring tentative talents.

Don't even know who's bed I'm in
hoping. waiting. gnawing uncertainity. would it? could it?
can someone new be found? is it possible? 
memories. delicious thrilling warmth snuggling under covers against the outside world
being kicked outside

suddenly

where do i start? where do i begin?