where do i start? where do i begin?
fully sated. clothes hanging in neatly ironed soldier rows in the cupboard. considerate servants, healthy atmosphere of positive well being. four options for each gourment meal, glass walls overlooking breathtaking vistas, pressure pump showers, beautiful 1000 sq yr gardens and fairy benches to sit on in cool grass when the electricity goes. beautiful.
being loved unconditionally.
having people you trust catch you in the safety net of their well wishes.
being cocooned in the womb.
suffocating in the pain and hurt caused to all.
sunday morning i'm waking up / can't even focus on a coffee cup
having time to read all you want. having time to keep up with your friends.
having time to watch all those backlogged movies.
reading, writing, exploring tentative talents.
Don't even know who's bed I'm in
hoping. waiting. gnawing uncertainity. would it? could it?
can someone new be found? is it possible?
memories. delicious thrilling warmth snuggling under covers against the outside world
being kicked outside
suddenly
where do i start? where do i begin?
3 comments:
Start with a little less self-indulgence and a little more of active solutions.
You spend too much time only THINKING.
I must say half the time you make absolutely no sense to me.. but I'm fascinated lol
More power to you! Please keep posting more often.
You start with the brightest happiest memory you can conjure and then you tear it to shreds because it well never amount to any good anymore. Then you take a break from needing things and needing people and need altogether and focus instead on who and what you wanted to be when you were too young to know that dreams realized often end up as nightmares. Then you take those dreams and you hold them close and you kiss them good night and good bye and you bury (or burn) the largest happiest part of you along with those dreams because none of that will ever amount to any good either.
And then you sit back and look back and try to define what all that has been has meant and once you have a definition you write it down then you cross it with a lead pencil so many times that no eraser in the world could possibly be good enough to expose what you wrote.
And then you stand up and lunge forward, with a vengeance even, because for all the things you get to have you want twice as much, and for all the things you never had you want to give twice as much.
And in the end, when your grave is being dug and you are too dead to notice maybe someone will drop dead from the sheer shock of losing someone who they never got to have but could have had had they known that they couldn't break you, that they couldn't change you, that they couldn't take away from you what you never gave. They will never know that what you never gave was only what you never even knew you had, but you will know and in knowing so you will perhaps learn where to start, where to begin.
Post a Comment