I smile through the farce of introductions. We laugh through some neutral chit chat. The flight. The weather. The traffic. The coffee comes. We are all biding our time, the reason for the meeting, an elephant in the room. A weight on my chest, crushing my breath.
A problem. I'm a problem. An expensive problem. They've invested too much into this, and need to fix me because things have gotten bad.
I grit my teeth and then wait patiently. Sure enough, once the coffee is laid down, the regional CEO exits, leaving just the two of us.
He decides to smile neutrally and lean back, and doesn't say anything.
Oh is that how he's going to play it. I don't rise to the bait. I return the close lipped smile, and stay silent too. Deadpan. Don't fidget. Don't pull out any notepad or pen. Don't sip the coffee. Just maintain eye contact in the friendzone triangle, thinking no thoughts, letting the time calmly tick by. breathe in...1... 2... 3... 4.... 5... hold... breathe out... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10...
He lasts 30 very long uncomfortable seconds. Three breaths. He clears his throat, and says, "Well, lets begin shall we. Why don't you tell me why you think I'm here?"
That's when I pull out my notebook, and take my time opening to the right page. "Sure!" I answer pleasantly, and then hunt for a pen and pull that out. We both watch me up cap it, and write the date on top.
When I've made him wait, look up, and start before he can say anything. "So to start I think it's fairly obvious you're here because Mr. Regional Guy feels my methods and techniques are ruffling team members the wrong way."
His left temple twitches just a bit at my directness. He doesn't deny it, just keeps steadily looking at me.
I look him dead in the eye. "However, you both know, that the things I'm doing are correct." I let that sit for a few seconds. He knows it. I know it. "I will be unpopular. People get ruffled because I'm doing things differently and they don't like it. But sometimes you need to break some eggs to make an omelet."
He sits, not saying anything. Fine.
"The ask to do this while making people like me - it's difficult. The same thing that makes me good at what to do, is the exact thing that makes me bad at being nice. And in a culture that pretty much hates women, it sometimes feels like they don't like me just because I exist outside the kitchen."
"Oh come on, it's not as bad as that" he's goaded into saying. Ok I went too far with kitchen comment. Reel it in.
I look down. Too many rooms. Too many men. Too many meetings. A lifetime of being dismissed, spoken over, considered abrasive. The same words from a man - respect. From me - uncomfortable. I don't expect him to ever understand. "I've lived and worked here for too long C. This comes with the territory."
"Look. I may not understand the context as well as you do, but I do know people. You're smarter than this. It is counter productive to generate so much animosity. What good is suggesting a path, if no one likes you enough to want to listen to you."
Ouch.
He sees the blow land. And softens his tone "You are smart enough to find a way to figure this out."
I can't. I just cannot. "Ok sure. But how about some support. A united front. If you fan the flames you're undermining what I'm trying to achieve. Help me out. I clearly cannot do this without you and Mr. Regional CEO."
He figets now, a little uncomfortable. His gaze shifts and he can't quite meet my eye. Shit. Someone did complain about me. That's what started it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It takes everything in me to not ask who it was. I guess wrong it'll show I've pissed off more people then he knows. Guess right and it'll show that I knew I was fucking up but didn't resolve my shit. Fucking hell.
He looks back up at me. In the eye. "Ok. Point noted. We could have handled it a little better."
I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Thank you. I'll make sure we never have to have a conversation like this again."
We both crack a smile at that. Hard part over. "That would be great. Let's get RC back in and get a plan of action in place."
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