Why do I look at you, and why can I imagine some perfect woman for you other than me? I can see you and this unknown woman as a pair; see you two have your first baby, see you buy your first house, see you send your first born to school for the first time. Its sad, because I envy that, I want that, and somehow I know its not with me, we’ll never have it together, with me you’ll just end up delaying your destiny, one of us will end up hurting further down a bitter path of resentment and misunderstanding.
I look at you, and I know you don’t see that now. But I’m used to that. You’ll see in time, and we’ll both pay the price, so its better if you to just leave now. Trust me on this one.
I gave in to self doubt once, and it wasn’t good. I didn’t mind the detour, he was so young and he had years and years before he stopped screwing around and actually found out who he was and what he wanted. When he used to talk about marriage and kids, I would just humor him and play along even though I didn’t see anything, deluding myself for just a small while, and it was nice being so uncharacteristic. When he would talk about ‘feelings’ and ‘where we were going’ I would avoid the conversations so blatantly that he started joking about the girl-guy role reversal in our relationship. I convinced myself it was because he was taking things too fast.
Do I, like everyone else, simply shut people out because they have the ability to hurt? To have expectations is only to be let down? Or is it something more perceptive, does it come from an innate knowledge of knowing people, of knowing myself, and knowing the absolute certainity of how it will end?
2 comments:
So i wake up at 11 in the morning, and after reading your comment on my blog i navigate to yours. And find this. Ripped right out of my brain, it starts off like something someone i love and used to know would say, then it turns into what i would say and by the end of it i'm utterly bemused and nostalgic beyond redemption.
Its a not so kind a courtesy of the blog world that on any given day we will be forced to look into the mirror which reflects our true state of mind instead of the grotesquely cheery face we find sneering back at us otherwise.
I don't know whether to thankyou for this resurgence of melancholy or to curse you for undoing several weeks worth of denial.
I'll thankyou. I think. Since ths isn't about me and you didn't put it up just to knock me down. So i'll thank you for being brave and honest, more so than i have chosen to be recently.
And i'll thank you for showing me, atleast, that feelings mean the same thing to broken hearts no matter how or why they were broken.
And i'll thank you for sort of giving me an answer that i had thought i would never get.
IF its any comfort, i am where you are. Lost, perhaps, but a little less scared, a little less alone.
A little less tired and a little less sorry.
damn.. sajjad said grotesquely cheery faces.. that is.. well thats me in three words.
anyway, i have the same problem, in a smaller way perhaps..
i guess, when you have sold your soul once, and it comes back to bite you in the ass you learn from it, and from then on you promise yourself not to let yourself go as completely as you once did.
dr phil calls it a defining moment
i see it as a part of your being dying.
eitherway, its scary how many people will probably be able to relate to this post
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