Once upon a summer

I enter his living room, and immediately feel this social anxiety fueled heart stopping horror when I don't see anyone. Did I get the day wrong?  I panic, feeling like I've missed an exam or something. Calm down, breathe. Adulthood takes over. The room is cool, in contrast to the sweltering Karachi summer outside, lights on, snacks laid out, so clearly company is expected. I'm not early by any standards, and the staff that led me here knew I was coming. Where is everyone?

Mr. Famous Last Name walks in from the other door, and I feel that sweet rush of relief, and that simultaneous pull of attraction. I like his face.

He lights up when he notices I'm standing there. "I'm glad you made it!" he says happily.

We hug, and it feels good to see him again. We both don't live in Karachi the corporate capital, but seem to fly in frequently enough to have met a dozen times in the last six months. I associate my business trips with him and his old and now empty family home, more than my sister who I stay with. She's usually too busy with work, kids, routine, and our schedules rarely overlap, except for our 530 AM coffee before the kids are woken up.

"Where is everyone!" I ask.

"S had to leave town yesterday for a few days, just got off the phone with R he can't make it, and F is saying she's running late at work. It looks like it's just us non Karachi'ites meeting today" He looks a little... guilty? Sheepish?

We've hung alone before, but always on the cusp of friendship bordering on attraction. I've never really been sure if we've been old friends catching up, or adults mutually attracted to each other to see how this will turn out. We start off normally, but then we seem to switch gears mid-conversation into something sexual. Like when we all went to the beach, running to the sea and I felt this deep stomach flipping pull when he took off his shirt to reveal his washboard six pack to jump into the water with everyone. Or when we were talking about something innocuous another time, and R came running up and spilled my water on my t-shirt, and I noticed his eyes go black as he looked at my chest, before quickly averting his eyes and offering me a spare shirt. Tonight suddenly seems more intimate, and I'm not ready for this. Adulthood has made me value my friendships much more than a roll in the hay which can come and go any time.

"Oh! Should we postpone this then?" I suggest.

"Nah let's watch it and share spoilers with them for ditching us" he laughs, and I love the way his eyes crinkle at the corner.

I'm a little hesitant, but my son is already with my sister for the night, and I'm not complaining about a rare stretch of freedom.

We get chips, dip, popcorn, which I have no plans on touching because who needs all those empty calories, and then A dims the lights as the entire wall flickers to life with the movie.

He settles in at the other end of the sofa, and I am a little relieved that there is a comfortable old friend vibe vs. date alone vibe.

Somewhere between the dim lights, cold room, comfortable sofa, and my permanent state of exhaustion, I fall asleep. I surface a little while later, noticing that the movie is still on, but I have a  throw on me keeping me warm. I wonder briefly if he's noticed I'm asleep but then go back under before I can ask.

I briefly wake up again during a loud action sequence, and notice that I'm now lying horizontal on the sofa, and my legs are in his lap, my calves across his thighs under the makeshift blanket. I consider checking in with the baby sitter, but before I can reach for the phone, the nap feels too good and pulls me under again.

I wake up, and the credits are rolling. Shit I fell asleep through the entire movie. I'm not quite surprised, as I haven't had the mental bandwidth to stay awake through an entire movie since I gave birth. Hilariously, I notice that A is asleep as well, snoring slightly.

I check for drool, and realize I'm still lying down my legs sprawled over him. Nothing says platonic friendship like falling asleep together. I can't help but laugh again, but bite my lip and try to clamp it down so I don't wake him up. The situation feels funnier by the second, and I'm trying to still my shaking shoulders, wondering if I should get up, when his eyes flick open.

It takes him a second to re-surface, and then he notices me dying of laughter and we both crack up at normal volume.

"Well that's a first" he says, and is reaching for my legs to either tickle my feet or put them down.

"Is that a Cornetto in your pocket or are you just happy to see me" I shriek with laughter, referring to an old joke.

"You did NOT just go there" he flings my legs off him, and stands up immediately. "I am NOT a fifteen year old walking hard-on anymore!" he says part defensively and part laughing. I can't stop shrieking with laughter. He reaches over and grabs me in a neck lock and ruffles my hair. I'm still howling with laughter but also with horror at my hair getting ruined, trying to get him off me. "Plus she never wore a bra, and our uniforms were SEE THROUGH. And it was twenty years ago!" he's trying to yell above my laughter.

I finally free myself and scramble up, and he stands up annoyed but also seeing the humor. "I will SO tell everyone we slept together" he finally comes up as revenge. I laugh some more because it's technically true. He's stretching his long frame, over six feet of lean muscle, and my mind switches gears to thinking about him, naked, in bed, over me. God I have such a dirty mind!

He hits the remote to get the lights on, and the spell is broken as the background noise stops and we're suddenly in silence.

"Dear God that was a great nap" he says, looking mildly surprised. "I can never just simply fall asleep anymore!"

"I do it all the time! I should have warned you" I chuckle. "But now I probably won't be able to sleep for the rest of the night"

"I thought it was hilarious when you nodded off by the way. But not anymore. I think I'm going to watch movies to nap forever now" his eyes still hold mirth.

I quickly check again for drool and smudged makeup, and hunt under the sofa for my bag.

"Ok I'm going to go now" "Let's grab some dinner" we say simultaneously. Then laugh.

"You're going to be up, let's just hang out a little while more" he says. "I'll drop you back later."

"Oh! Ok, why not" One night of freedom from single mom-ing sounds pretty good, why not extend it a little longer. It's not like anything other than Netflix or a book await me. Maybe some emails or finishing that report. Hanging out sounds better. "I'll try to stay awake this time, but try to be more interesting" I poke his side, and he elbows me while grabbing the phone and dialing take out.

"Pizza?" He asks, and he's read my mind. Yum. 

He's talking on the phone, and walks over to the liquor cabinet and pulls out some scotch. I wrinkle my nose in disgust when he silently offers me some while continuing to order. He points to wine, and I shrug a why not. He covers the mouthpiece and asks if I want anything else, and then finishes up the call.

"So how have you been" He says as he comes around to my side of the bar, sitting on the stool next to me. I turn to him, and our knees almost bump.

"Trapped in travel lust. Dying to take my next vacation" I say.

"Who isn't!" We discuss the pros and cons of Europe in the summer vs. East Asian beaches. He tells me about his new real estate investment in Pattaya, I tell him about how my Borneo jungle walk was amazing, but I preferred the Langkawi resort with its beach and giant pool which had a resident monitor lizard. I sigh as I recount a wedding I saw from my beach lounger, a man in a full Scottish kilt marrying a beautiful local in her sea of white lace, as the wedding party had a crazy time well into the night.

"You should have a destination wedding" he suggests. "I can see you in a wedding gown in the beach" His eyes go a little dark, and our gear notches up to sexual tension for some reason.

"And mandatory flipflops and tequila shots to enter!" I crack to lighten the mood.

"Oh my God Z was completely and utterly plastered on your mehndi you remember! He refused to leave till his friends came and physically picked him up and took him home" he laughs, but is shaking his head in disbelief. "He was an ass even then!"

"Yes! I had suggested taking some wine to calm my nerves before the wedding and he threw a fit and completely forbade me from having any alcohol. And then the first time I had seen him at our wedding, he was so drunk he couldn't walk!" I can laugh about it now, but it had annoyed me for quite a while at the time.

Suddenly, the lights go off. Startled, I skid off the stool, mom-reflex kicking in, automatically about to head for baby R. I'm fumbling around unfamiliar hands and legs, when A grabs my arm to steady me, and the automatic generator kicks in and the lights flick back on.

"What on earth are you doing" he's looking at me with a raised eyebrow like I'm crazy. I'm tangled in his legs, his arm on me, while he sits on the barstool looking at me quizzically. "Oh! Mom skills, was trying to run to R to make sure he's not scared" I laugh, feeling stupid. R isn't even here, but some habits are pure instinct. "Plus I'm not used to these stupid power outages!" I laugh.

"Idiot" He says, but there is something in his eyes. Suddenly the gear is kicked up a notch, and I'm too close. I put a hand on his chest, he seems to be leaning in and I'm helpless to stop him.

"I've been wanting to do this forever" he murmurs, bringing his forehead down to mine. "Please?" He says in a low voice, and I can feel this liquid heat shoot through me. I shudder slightly, trying to think of a good reason to say no, but I can't form coherent thoughts other than us, together, my hands all over him. I lean up on my toes, and close the distance, and we both moan as we finally kiss.

Once upon a spring

I'm trying to put R to bed, which entails lying down in the dark, and starting one million rituals of procrastination of getting water, going to the bathroom, eating a snack, re-brushing teeth, going to the bathroom again, and then (my personal favorite) a little three year old snuggling into the crook of my arm and saying "so how did your day go mama?" or "tell me about your life mama", and often discussions of eternity, death, the meaning of life. He often startles me with his memory, recalling things I don't realize he was present for let alone even remembers. Whenever I'm tempted to shush him to sleep, I think God he'll be a teenager soon, will he ever talk to me like this again? And I always delay sleep just that little bit longer so we can talk.

Some days we have the luxury of time, some days we don't. We reached Karachi today for some work meetings, and I have to go out for dinner with an old school friend tonight. I need him asleep!

I lie in bed, praying he gives in to the yawns of exhaustion.

Children have a sixth sense about this, and never cooperate. Or maybe its the excitement of the new city and his cousins. He keeps pulling himself back from the brink.

I can hear the doorbell ring, my nanny letting in my dinner companion. She knows the drill, she tells him to wait "madahm" will be right out, and hopefully remembers to give him something to drink or snack on.

I mentally try to decide what to wear, so I save time. Did I pack the red top? I think I decided not to. The silver then. And probably the grey pants. Were they too short? Nah it's Karachi, it's ok. Feel a pang that I didn't pack my silver Jimmy Choo's, so will have to make do with my flats.

R's breathing stills. I try to shift, but his eyes flip open. Dang it.

I imagine doing my makeup. I had read something somewhere that pro athletes imagine doing the routine in their mind. Something about muscle memory, making routines faster or easier to do in real life. I imagine putting on the eyeliner flawlessly. The brows, the highlighter, the blush. I'm on my mascara when R goes back under. I wait till I've mentally done my lips before I shift again.

He stays asleep, and I'm free. I fling on my clothes in half a minute, mentally calculating how long Mr. famous last name must have been waiting. Probably twenty minutes tops. I put on my makeup as I just practiced, and it only takes 2.5 minutes. Yank on my earrings and shoes, and am out in five.

Sneak open the door, and whisper out to the living room where he is waiting for me.

He stands up, and I try to ignore the stomach flip when I see him.

We air kiss, and I apologize for making him late.

His eyes crinkle "I'm used to it by now" he laughs, referring to the last time we met and I was forty minutes late because of traffic.

"Putting a toddler to sleep ain't easy bud!" I mock punch his arm. "Let's get out of here before he..."
before I can say the words, there is my baby rumpled from bed, rubbing his eyes, pajama's hitched up his legs standing behind me

"Mama don't go"

Shit. 

I quickly pick him up, mentally consigning the stupid nanny to hell. Why didn't she snag him at the door and put him back to bed! Idiot!

People obviously know I'm a single mom, but its another thing to literally have a toddler show up in front of my date. Is this even a date? Or is it a friend thing? I don't know!

R's eyes are welling up. "I want to come with you mama!" he says, clinging to my neck. I know its going to be another forty minutes before he calms down and goes back to sleep. Damn it! 

I meet his eyes over R's head.

"Let's take him with us" he says

What!

"Erm that's a bad idea. Why don't we just take a rain check A" I say. Mr. Famous last name has no kids, and clearly no clue.

His face falls.

Shit. He was probably hungry or something and annoyed his dinner plans got canceled. 

But R has heard "Caah mama, let's go in the cah" Damn it. 

A joins in "Listen its up to you, but you're only here for one night, let's just try to do this"

Against my better judgement, I start walking to the car, toddler in my arms. God help me please

We get into the Audi, I ask him to disable the airbag for my seat. He's a little startled, but googles something and fiddles with another something and then its done.

R can't believe he got his way. He's all chatty in my arms, and A tries to make conversation with him. Cute. Maybe we can salvage this after all.

But then we get stuck in bloody traffic, and R falls asleep. Drool on my silver silk shirt, warm body stuck to me heating me up in the AC cold of the car.

We reach the dinner place, and we both look at each other, unsure of what to do. A looks at me, looks at the sleeping R, and then back at me. I can't help but laugh.

"I told you so!" I can't help saying.

"Let me see if we can push our reservation forward" he says. "Maybe we can go drop him back?"

"Sweetie, it's not happening. I'm sorry, let's head back" I say, used to many many years of failed social outings.

"Wait. Why don't I go grab some food for us from inside, and maybe I can come over and eat it at your sister's place?" he suggests.

"Oh! Er. Ok. Sure, let's try that"

We go back home, food cartons in tow. I put R into bed, for the night this time. We eat, me on the floor cushions an ear trained to the door, A on this sofa. He joins me on the floor around dessert, and we talk into the night. 

Once upon a winter

Karachi traffic seems worse every time I  return. I'm battling bumper to bumper, its already been twenty minutes and I could reach out and still touch the gate of the house I just left. I can feel the frustration build in my chest and pump out of my tapping fingers and leg that jiggles up and down. The car clock flips to the next minute, and traffic still doesn't move. I curse, then guiltily check the rear view mirror. The nanny says "He ees fine madhaam" in that weird Tagalo lilt. My three year old is lost in his lego blocks, and hasn't heard anything. Whew, close call! 

The phone beeps. My old school friend and coffee buddy Mr. Famous Last Name must be getting worried. I was planning on reaching fashionably late (or on time by Pakistan standards) but not THAT late. I had to catch up with him (after ten years!) and then head to the business offices on top of the mall for a meeting I had flown into the city for.

I attempt to respond to the message, but then see a gap in the road and race another car into the spot in front that just seems to have freed up. The cars nearly hit, but I eyeball the other driver, showing him he shouldn't try to push me around, but I don't make any of the rude hand gestures I would have made in my youth. high five for being older and wiser.

I finally make it to the mall, and hand the valet the key with one hand and dial Mr. Famous Last  Name with the other. "I'm here, but have to drop R over to the play area, you want to meet there instead?"

"ummm is it possible for you to come back this side? I'm parked here and halfway through my coffee"

"oh ok" i try not to show my exasperation

I hike over to the far corner of the ginormous mall, manage to stand in line, get the weird mall currency the play area runs on without bursting with impatience. I pause as I hand over the tokens to my nanny. She is really very stupid, I'm not very sure I can trust her alone with my son. She's been with you two years you fuckwit. He loves her, they've done this a million times back at home. Just fucking fuck it out of here. I tell her one more time to stay within the area, not go to any bathroom or anything, and to call me if he so much as sneezes. She manages to remain impassively polite, and not roll her eyes at me. After my third hug my son finally says "mama go! i want caah!" and toddles over to the arcade car game leaving me behind.

I rush back to the other friggin corner of the bloody building, calling my boss on speaker phone to tell her I am at the venue and would see her 5 minutes before the meeting, while I send a quick meeting reminder text to the attendees, and try at the same time to find that damn coffee place. People are easing away from my crazy eyes as I speed walk while I talk and type.

Momentum makes me practically skid to a stop  in front of the place. "Umm I'm meeting someone here" I say, suddenly awkward, craning my neck to find him. Feel a moment of fear in case I don't recognize him, but no there he is. phew. He's on the side booths that are placed a step higher than the central seating area. They usually need reservations for those, he must have gotten lucky.

I start walking over, and he looks up from his now empty coffee cup, sees me, and smiles.

Wow.

Did my chest just do a weird thing? Seriously? What the fuck

I chalk up the weird feeling to the impending stress induced heart attack because of the last forty minutes of traffic.

We air kiss hello, and even though I have agnosia and can sit next to a toaster with burning bread and not smell a fucking thing, I get a whiff of his cologne, and holy shit it smells good. Did I just fucking smell him. Fuckity fuck what is up with me today. Get a grip! I suddenly feel the need to check my hair as we sit back down.

He looks relieved to see me. "I thought you wouldn't show!" he says sheepishly, raising his hand to the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"It was the damn traffic! What the hell has happened to Karachi dude!"

He looks even more relieved that I have a good excuse "Yes! there's that construction  at the roundabout, you shouldn't have come from there!"

I eye roll, and we both laugh. Holy shit my heart just rolled over why is he cuter than what I remember! It's been fifteen years since we were in school together, and apparently my standards were a lot higher back then because I remember he was considered as one of the cute ones, but nothing that would cause funny feelings in my dusty nether regions. Currently being post-thirty and still having a flat stomach, all his hair on his head, and dear god those biceps in that work shirt and I'm imagining major sexy times with him. what the fuck did I just think of sexy times. focus! focus! no sexy time! bad girl.

We're talking about work. I explain that I have to leave in an hour because I have a meeting upstairs.
"I waited forty minutes for you! Why do I only get an hour! No fair" he cries, and while I secretly think about his chocolate brown eyes I outwardly just shrug and apologize because work is work, out of my hands.

We catch up, and time is gone before I even order. He's a writer on the side, just emancipated himself from his famous last name father, and is living alone. (No inlaws if we get married woot) We laugh about his crazy school stories, but from the cold light of adulthood I know that it couldn't have been easy for him to be shunted off to boarding school in England just because his dad had moved on to wife number three. He's smart enough to know I'm thinking of  my own situation, and is assuring me that R will turn out ok and that my single-mom-ness is much more normal than his fucked up family.  He leans forward in earnestness, and if I hadn't moved back I get the feeling we would have bumped foreheads. These tables are absurdly small.

I feel my phone vibrate next to my thigh, and I surreptitiously glance down to check my phone, and my boss is telling me that she has reached the mall and is heading to the meeting venue.

"You look the same as you did in school!" he exclaims, and I have to look up (those eyes!) in incredulity, because first I'm much fatter (ok I did just lose a lot of weight recently, but nothing compared to when I was a frikkin teenager) and second I now know how to put on killer makeup and thread my eyebrows thank you very much.

My conflicted disbelief / outrage must have shown because he quickly said "in a good way! You look great! We should meet again, and let me take you for a proper dinner next time!" My boss must have made it to the place by now. If I make it out of here in the next two minutes, I can make it on time.

"Yes! We must meet again" I'm thrilled to have a way to wrap up the conversation so I can get out of there before I'm fired. "I'll let you know next time I'm back in town" and then start to get up.

I must have sounded thrilled too, because he lights up.

I'm picking up my bag and am doing that ridiculous side crawl shimmy one has to do to get out of a booth when I realize shit. did i just agree to go on a date with him.  I'm panicking thinking back to the conversation and don't notice the step.

I try to grab the table but miss, and I'm on my way to the ground when suddenly my arm is caught and I'm helpfully up-righted. His other hand is on my waist. "Whoa there are you ok"

"you saved my life!" shit did i say that out loud. My overies just exploded.

He laughs, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners, and raises his eyebrows. "so you definitely owe me time for dinner" He's smiling, too close
don't think of sexy times, don't think of sexy times!

God he's hot.

We hug and say goodbye, and can feel the imprint of his hand of my waist throughout the meeting as I present about North Pakistan and the tremendous growth potential and lobby for more resources.  

Chanel

I'm wobbling in my heels, so I thump my bag down on the table and stumble not too gracefully onto the chair. Silently curse the gentleman who designs wildly popular expensive shoes that are not made for human feet. We're in the outside veranda of the famous restaurant, beautiful vines dripping down and Joan Armatrading playing the background.

S gives my bag a look "Holy moly batman" she says eyeing the red patent.

"The color?" I ask, a little confused. 

"Are you kidding?" M says from my other side

"What!" i say, not sure what they're on about.

"that bag is... gorgeous! it costs as much as a car" T says from across the table with an eyeroll.

"Yeah! You're always about NGO this and environment that. I never thought you'd stoop to descending into the bowels of consumerism, and with THAT" S laughs

"Oh! My parents got it for me. why is this even a topic of conversation! i want to hear about your trainer's obsession with your ass T" I nibble the salmon from the appetizers someone has helpfully already ordered, and change the topic. They howl with laughter and the conversation changes focus, and I'm relieved.

I hadn't used this bag in a while. It was a gift for being a good girl.

Nearly a decade ago now.

I had just left him for the third time. Escaped to Lahore. I had begged my parents to let me stay, to not send me back to the horror story that was my married life. The night before I had told them I couldn't do it anymore. The violent fights. The financial stress. The lying. The cheating. The awful awful in-laws. I cried at the airport. But they had been merciless. They both had murmured about being strong, about making a home, about growing up and making a life, and sent me off on my way. Strangers had offered me tissues on the plane, and at the airport bathroom I had put in eyedrops, buried my red nose and puffy eyes under Helena Rubenstien's super thick foundation and painted on a face that didn't show the emotional wreckage. And two months later I had conceived R, and my birthday rolled around to the red patent Chanel that cost as much as a car. A gift to the gods of conscience, for sacrificing their third born at the alter of a bad marriage. With my pregnancy and my car accident and delivery and the consultancies and the three jobs I was juggling with a six month old I had never had a chance to take it out.

Someone had packed it for me and send it with the boxes that I had smuggled out before I left for good.

I had found it at the back of my mothers closet, and then taken it out seven years later, and taken it to this lunch because it matched my stilettos, forgetting the memories I had pushed under the proverbial carpet.

They haven't gotten me anything like this since then. And while I outwardly laugh and talk about the party last night and how to cure a toddlers obsession with sugar, I can't help but feel the weight of parental disappointment that suddenly seems to have settled on my shoulders, like an invisible anvil.

Something something

It's cold. She enters the room, thinking of the awkward small talk, cringe worthy pauses, and self loathing at poor social skills that will come in the dark later at night. It's not very loud, thank the Lord, but at first scan she doesn't know a single person. Social anxiety hell.

Then. Bliss. A friend. A good one. She air kisses him, thrilled, grasping his arm like the life vest it is. She asks where his latest amour is, he rolls his eyes, they grin and grab some drinks from the bar and sit on a convenient sofa.

"I could see you start to panic" he laughed, knowing her well.

"You could have come up sooner" she punches his arm.

"Relax dude" he grins, brown friendly kind eyes. They clink glasses, take a sip and survey the room.

"Were we ever that young?" she thinks, watching what must surely be fifteen year olds writhing to the music on the dance floor.

"They're in their twenties. And yes we were" he answers her thoughts, to her startled laugh.

"I feel so old. And alone" She confesses.

"It's ok, at least you have a beautiful five year old waiting for you at home. I have a lonely empty house. And the ghosts of my dead parents". She snorts into her drink.

"And your millions". His turn to snort, but his expression becomes darker as it always does when he thinks about their loss.

Sarah joins them, his latest. She is wearing a red dress, slit up the side. Sexy clothes three months into the relationship means she's still trying, and he is not into her. A bad sign. They all air kiss, cosy on the sofa in an alien room. They occasionally jump up to mingle here and mingle there. After thirty minutes, she is done, and ducks out to call the valet without saying goodbye to anyone.

"Ghosting already? I thought you had another half an hour in you" She jumps guiltily as he catches her outside the main door, as the valet pulls her car up front.

"Break up with her already darling. If she's boring you so much you're looking for my company, you must  be desperate to get away from her". He winces.

"God you are so direct it hurts sometimes"

The car pulls up. He shoos the valet aside and opens the door for her. Good boy. She gets in, but he hesitates before closing the door. She looks up questioningly. "Say hi to the little guy from me" he says, and shuts the door.

She drives home, wondering what he really wanted to say. Confusing man.