F.R.I.E.N.D.S

woke up with this in my head (all paragraphed and everything).

it was a purported dinner on behalf of a birthday, but typically become a black tie catered for fifty event with a dance floor and an open bar. i sat there till some ridiculously late hour in the morning, completely stone cold sober (because i don't drink - or smoke - or smoke up), and was absolutely totally defenseless against the onslought of spending a night with people i had known for 16 years, who i didn't really know at all.

we all dress our outer selves hoping to disguise our inner ones, but no amount of perfume or glitter can hide the inner being that comes through like a pugnent smell. like BO we try very hard to hide with aqua di gio. a frilly insignificant scent to cover the excrement we feel we are.

i have known these people for most of my life, and i have absolutely nothing to say them. well nothing except for several prose pieces and even a poem (refer to source of name nakedfeet). there i was in a room full of glittering strangers, with too much time on my hands to think.

It was all fine till grade 6. Then stupid boys came into the picture and ruined everything. Ruined by mass raging hormone syndrome which ensured that boys would ruin friendships by having crushes on girls, be rejected, and then be horribly bitter (and childish) about it.
Then it became cool to get over the crushes and manage to have platonic friendships with opposite sex. Except no guy wanted to be friends with me because i'd either managed to piss them off by rejecting them, or they were pissed off on behalf of their friend who i had rejected. i spent THREE years, grade 7, grade 8 and grade 9, with my primarily (ok - solely) girl gang, and it was fun. great fun. but we all had our issues. two of them would have slit my throat to have gotten ASA to talk to them. While i chose to tell him he was a moron etc etc every time he was managing some lame pick up line my way, they would giggle and bat their eyelashes at him, and throw their valentines at him in the deep hope he would toss a crumb their way. i ditched them soon enough and got back "together" with my buddies from pre class 6. So then i spent the next three years hanging out with 3 of my best friends, and their 3 guy friends, NONE of which spoke a direct sentence to me for three years. can i say this again? the guys didn't speak a direct sentence to me for THREE years. and i actually blamed myself because there was this whole nasty scene about thirty odd people suddenly surrounding me and shoving him into the circle and he was forced to ask me to dance (it was some stupid sind club gala type thing). and i was horribly conscious because i was wearing borrowed shoes with a GIANT (or so i thought) heel, and i wasn't wearing makeup like the other girls, and i didn't really know HOW to dance, so i said a very public no. It was the stuff junior high nighmares are made off. i think i scarred him for life, because he *still* can't get a straight sentence out to anything female.
anyway.
Then after the three years there was minor fued about something or the other, and girls went their seperate ways, and all was fine again. we would get invited pretty much everything because some boy or the other would at that time convieniently have a crush on me/one of my friends and we would hence be top of the invite list. Except for that mortifying halloween 'bash' right before which one of us had turned some johnny come lately down (why did they bother after all those years? really!?) and then we got black balled. mortifying.
Then there was a fued within the group. three of us went one way, one of us willingly went the other. needless to say mass sympathies were with her for some reason. she thought we weren't cool enough to hang out with, and by gosh she'd had enough of not knowing whether she'd be invited to the next shebang or not. we watched as she pathetically humbled herself into a gang who's prime source of entertainment seemed to be torturing her/making fun of her to no end, and worse, we watched her take it and still run after them showering them with everything she could throw. we might have been a clic, but at least we weren't bitchy (to each other at any rate). loyalty supreme. us against them. blah.
then we thankfully went our ways, into the friendless college and post college years. much has changed, but really, too much hasn't.

so this little thing last night was tantamount to a reunion. i was invited because the birthday boy had a massive crush on my best friend. and she was in a terrible position because she turned him down, and his drunken mind really had not accepted that. for the last three weeks. but anyway. no one really wants to talk to me, except for the guy who pirouetted me to death at the yatch club ball last week, or the other guys who really can't have a conversation with any any other girl on account of them being 24 years of stupid. schooling, college, marriage, work, nothing seems to help the epidemic of stupidity.
but i digress. so against all will some boy or the other would drift my way and we'd greatfully share a moment to DO something (albiet insignificant) like engage in small talk because the alternative was to be suffocated with boredom. none of the girls bothered to talk to me, and my ex best friend was there pointedly ignoring me surrounded by her gang of alley cats who still were making fun of something she did at some coffee thing they all did yesterday. their main fodder for conversation was this poor chick not from school (and hence beyond reprehension) who was an unfortunate shade of blonde, and was cringingly drunk and dancing with some lecherous bastard taking full advantage of the fact. no one made a move to stop her. neither did i for that matter, didn't think she knew she needed saving. but they sat and made fun of her every move. i was trapped nauseated on the chair in the middle of them, none of them really talking directly to me, eating the damn chips and dip like my life depended on it because i don't drink i don't smoke and i don't smoke up. my best friend was somewhere behind me battling off the birthday boy.
once again i wake up, like on days after countless other occassions, and i think, never again.
but i know there's something happening next week, and there i'll be again.