I stayed up the whole night after a very long time. this marks the true circle I have completed since I moved away from this house a very long time ago. the pattern is now complete, the thread is now tied, the lines have now been redrawn.
I have re-realized that I believe a lot of strange things:
(1) I believe my entire being can be divided into two elemental wholes. One related to art, I am consumed by it, I am it. the center of my being follows the line of that pastel. a part of me breaks off and is forever encased in the medium I choose to use. Gulgee once said that he doesn’t pray, that he doesn’t need to because “with every stroke of his brush he worships the Almighty”. I think I can understand that.
the other half of my being: numbers. the mental click of rightness when you reach QED. Like a complex dance, the click of the heels, the gesture of the arm, the tilt of the head. The epiphany of reaching the end, bending down, throwing your head down and taking an elaborate bow. That is what I remember of this other part of my being.
These are both fissures that constituent me. Writing is a byproduct, a skill I have learnt by being a lover of words. It only deserves a footnote to who I am.
(2) I believe that there is method to the madness in the universe, that if anyone cares to look there is a hand driving it all, that there are left so many clear cut signs our own insignificance in the cosmos becomes frightening. That we are all part of a cliched massive cosmic struggle of good and evil, which rules every single decision we ever make in our lives if we could just laser off our myopia and see the Whole.
(3) I believe that our habits, personalities and decisions are so ingrained in us that if we woke up with total amnesia we would still think say and do exactly how we do it now without the knowledge and bigotries we have picked up along the way. Because the knowledge and the bigotries reflect us, we shape them, not vice versa.
(4) I believe that people are either Good or not. That it is possible to be flawed and stupid and have several personality defects yet still be Good. There are people behind whose words lies the hiss of a serpant, behind whose gaze lies the black pits of rotting evil. I believe that they can hide behind empty gestures of goodness, but not for long.
(5) I believe (and this one is difficult to say out loud because of the sheer naiveté, the sheer ingénue-ness that is so not me) that someone out there has been labelled as Mine. I will find him. Its not the mission of my life or anything, but it will happen when the time is right. I have seen Too Much to not believe this.
(6) i also believe it is a bad bad idea to eat strawberries right after brushing your teeth :)
Yeah, I do believe in a lot of strange things.
5 comments:
heh, love the way you write. probably agree with you on some of these.
There isn't one damn thing in there that is strange. You've got life down pat. Rejoice for now you know what not to look for from life.
As for number 5(flashbacks of Short Circuit) i think we all need to believe that, we all need to keep that faith as we fumble thorugh corrosive relationships and spirit crushing romances so that we can:
1. justify our need to be entangled in emotionally demanding excercises with other humanoids as the means to an end.
2. simply have something worth getting up in the morning for. Someone to believe in and to strive for. Some one worthy of waiting trough perpetual limbo for.
3. Hope.
But that's just me, the hapless romantic who still believes that love is eternal.
artist are more in tune with god because they both know what is is to create
lol, you believe in the weaves of the pattern, and you know what a Ta'veren is. tum cha gayi ho. how come I never bumped into you in old bookshops searching for fantasy books?
different cities?
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