why not

We were in a courtyard at the back of his house. We’d come in through the back entrance, it was dark, we were trying to keep it quiet. It felt naughty, yet completely right. It always felt completely right with him. The bastard.

It was November, the perfect month. The stars were out, Orion twinkling its blessing. I had my LV bag in my hand, and we had to lean against the wall in case someone glanced out the first floor window. My last coherent thought was about how the white might rub off onto my grey t-shirt, and how my bag should NOT get on the floor because damn, it was bloody expensive.

Then I stopped thinking, because he had that effect, even though I tried to keep my eyes open and my mind working, even though I tried to keep from leaning too hard against the wall and even though I tried to think about holding onto the bag. I tried. When we came up for air, £100 of my savings were squashed somewhere at our feet.
He was breathing so hard I had to smile. He got aggrieved at my lack of reverence.
“Its infuriating that you can laugh, when my knees are weak”
Which of course made me laugh even more.
From an inch away I saw his yummy brown eyes widen as I grabbed him and turned him against the wall. And of course I had the giggle fits by then, even though we managed to do a pretty good job despite that.

Then the beautiful dog started barking, and then it wanted to play as well, so we both laughed and then I had to leave.

That’s why not. That’s what happened the last time I decided to be selfish. I was the one that had to end things and simultaneously felt like I had taken a crowbar to my chest. As we get older crushes get more dangerous, and unimportant things start becoming important. In the long run we might all be dead, but its what the short run becomes all too soon.